Validating vs invalidating employees
We have been conditioned to think that invalidation is "normal." Indeed, it is extremely common, but it is certainly not healthy. His wife was there to meet us so she could drive us back up to the top of the hill. As the four of us were standing there a woman named Sue came up with a big smile on her face. One day I expect there will be research which proves that children who did not feel understood by their parents, teachers, parents' friends, etc. It is not a right, it is not something nice to have. When our needs go unmet one incident at a time, for years and years, we and society all suffer. I wondered if her boss told her that if she left, she couldn't come back. As I waited, small signals from her caused me to feel even more discouraged.I have also heard them say things like: "He cries at the drop of a hat." One teacher said "When she starts to cry, I just ignore her and eventually she stops." Another said, "When one kid's crying is disrupting the lesson, I tell them to go cry in the hall till they can pull themselves back together again."When I am worried about something and I tell someone who is involved in the situation and they say "Don't worry," I actually feel more worried. She gave a warm hello to the couple, then asked the boy, "How's school, mate? What's worse is that when he gave them a golden opportunity to understand him and his world, he was completely invalidated, then completely ignored. She seemed as athletic as the father, which makes sense of course. Again I feel guilty because I did not say anything. I say this one incident says a lot about their parenting style and about how children are psychologically invalidated every day. are among the most self-destructive or socially destructive adults. Last night I went to visit someone while she was at work. Then she seemed to notice my mood and asked me what I was thinking.The emotional processes which worked for him as a child may begin to work against him as an adult. of Duke University supports the idea that invalidation leads to mental health problems. I know these things, but sometimes I forget and get carried away by my emotions too.In fact, one definition of the so-called "borderline personality disorder" is "the normal response of a sensitive person to an invalidating environment" (Psychiatrist R. Laing said that when we invalidate people or deny their perceptions and personal experiences, we make mental invalids of them. He writes "...a history of emotion invalidation (i.e., a history of childhood psychological abuse and parental punishment, minimization, and distress in response to negative emotion) was significantly associated with emotion inhibition (i.e., ambivalence over emotional expression, thought suppression, and avoidant stress responses). So I give myself a time-out, I nurture my inner whiny child or nurse my wounds, allow myself to feel self-pity, then I remind myself how many blessings I have and try to do better.A healthier response, one which is both informative and assertive, without being aggressive, is to simply express your feelings clearly and concisely. So I suppose they think they can tell someone how to feel and, then like magic, that will work, too.For example, you might respond, "I feel invalidated," "I feel mocked," or "I feel judged." One factor common to most people who self-injure, whether they were abused or not, is invalidation. Now I am wondering,..someone says, "Don't think so much," how does one do that?Among them: Lack of role models and invalidation - most people who self-injure were chronically invalidated in some way as children (many self-injurers report abuse, but almost all report chronic invalidation). When I told one of the volunteers, a mother who had been helping me there, she said, "Maybe it's not so bad..."I remembered later that she had also said this about my visa situation, "Maybe it's not so complicated." I felt so hurt by her lack of understanding that I had to bite my tongue not to say "Did you hear one word I said?!
One sign of both high self-esteem and high EQ is the absence of either of these defensive responses. Parents, like teachers and many others, get accustomed to telling people what to do and having them do it.) A sensitive child who is repeatedly invalidated becomes confused and begins to distrust his own emotions. The Power of Positive Thinking was a big one at the time.He fails to develop confidence in and healthy use of his emotional brain-- one of nature's most basic survival tools. She would have me read to her while she made dinner. I believe in being mindful of our feelings, and expressing them unless it would be harmful to someone else in which case, find a safe outlet write, paint, maybe vent to a listening friend.When we are invalidated by having our feelings repudiated, we are attacked at the deepest level possible, since our feelings are the innermost expression of our individual identities. As a parent I want to teach my kids these things Ive learned.Telling a person she shouldn't feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet, grass it shouldn't be green, or rocks they shouldn't be hard. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. So when they felt bad or angry I tried to help them find a way to make themselves feel better.
They were taught at an early age that their interpretations of and feelings about the things around them were bad and wrong. To me that is like telling a fish not to swim so much or an artist not to draw so much. I know there are many ways other people try not to think so much.